dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
