Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
