you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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