my mouth tastes like poor choices
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
