I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Randomize
