you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
