Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
