Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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