Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
