Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
