my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
