either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
