I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
