I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
