i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
