when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
