dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
