I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
