I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
