just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
