I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
