Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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