i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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