were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
