I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
