There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
