why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
