it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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