I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
