Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
