do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
