the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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