nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
They took my balls.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
