My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
