the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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