Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
