i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
