i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
