i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
