To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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