I skipped work to stalk him.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
