I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
