Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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