when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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