I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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