Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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