Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
