can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
