I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
