Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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