you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
