You really coming over, don't trick.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
