Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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