Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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