the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I wear drunk well.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
