What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
