Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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