yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
