Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Randomize
